Definite, universally acknowledged signs you're on a date that's headed south:
1. His opener is an anecdote about how he cooks meat for his dog in a slow-cooker and leaves the pot for his cleaning lady to worry about.
1a. Other than that, he doesn't cook much.
2. He describes, at length, his ex-wife's very expensive tastes.
3. He tells an actually pretty funny story about discovering that the house he bought (and then tore to the ground to build his dream home; people actually do this, apparently) had a grow op in the basement, and does not seem in the least excited about finding free pot in there.
4. He gleefully admits to having football-shaped lights in the W.C. adjacent to his "sports room" (people actually have these, apparently).
5. Bizarre occasions of mild racism couched under the banner of political correctness, ie. getting really quiet and whispering the word "Asian" while in a Vietnamese restaurant.
6. He does not like Christmas, and once bought a Christmas tree for his wife to spite her (the details of this one are not even worth going into; please fill in using your own fertile imagination).
7. After you spend the longest hour of your life eating Thai Tom Yum soup as fast as you possibly can in an attempt to get out of there, he completely misreads your body language and swoops in for a kiss, and then says "I hope that was the right thing to do." No, sir, no, it was not.
I'm pretty sure there's a lesson here. Let's start with this: Guys, I now know of a really great Vietnamese restaurant nearby!
Antidote: Drive home super duper fast, listening to Titus Andronicus playing super duper loud, and feel incredibly grateful for your own glorious independence.
1. I'm glad to see that you did the only thing reasonable one can do after going on a bad date: amuse your friends by sharing an anecdote of such hideous, social awkwardness.
ReplyDelete2. 5 is my favourite but 3 just makes me angry. What does that say about me?
3. Look on the bright side...just a few years ago you probably would have dated this man for six months and wound up coming up with new slow-cooker dog chow recipes until he told you that he was getting back together with his ex-wife or you discovered that he hates jam. I see definite progress here. (I kid, of course).
4. The London Free Press ran the same ad for three weeks promoting a Shakespeare play at Stratford entitled, "Titus and Ronicus". True story.
5. You are one of the loveliest, funniest, smartest people I know and Mr. Football Lights was lucky you stayed long enough to finish the soup.
From the moment I got to the restaurant the only thing that helped me keep it together was thinking to myself, I can't wait to write about this. I can't wait to write about this.
ReplyDeleteIt was a really excellent bowl of soup.
Also, I'm no scholar, but Ronicus totally had it coming, am I right?
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